Codependency: what it is and how to work with it

Codependency is a psychological pattern in which a person becomes so focused on another's needs, feelings, and life that they lose touch with their own worth, desires, and boundaries. Care turns into rescue, and closeness becomes fusion.

What is codependency

Codependency is a state where one's own sense of self seems to dissolve into another person. Erich Fromm, in The Art of Loving, wrote that the desire for interpersonal fusion is the strongest of all human strivings. Yet when this fusion becomes the only way to feel alive and needed, it ceases to be love. Codependency is not love; it is a form of dependence on another person's mood, approval, and presence.

It is important to distinguish codependency from healthy attachment. According to John Bowlby's attachment theory, as described by Sue Johnson in Hold Me Tight, the need for a secure emotional bond is a basic human need. Codependency, however, is an insecure form of attachment where fear of loss and a sense of duty replace the free choice to be together.

How codependency shows: living through others' needs and rescuing

Codependency in relationships manifests through several characteristic patterns.

Living through others' needs. A person with codependency constantly thinks about what the other needs, anticipates their desires, and sacrifices their own interests. Their own feelings and needs seem unimportant or selfish. There is a sense that you "shouldsecret of a person" through total power over them is a desperate way to cope with one's own anxiety.

Loss of self. Codependency in a family or marriage often leads to a person no longer knowing what they want. Their mood depends entirely on their partner's state. Their own hobbies, friends, and goals fade into the background.

Guilt and anxiety. When you try to set a boundary or say "no," strong guilt arises. Anxiety increases when the other person is upset or dissatisfied — it feels as if you must fix it.

Where codependency comes from: causes

Codependency often forms in childhood. Attachment research, which Sue Johnson discusses, shows that if a child grows up in an environment where their emotional needs are not consistently met, they learn to "earn" love through caring for others. Children whose parents were unpredictable, cold, or overly demanding often grow up believing love must be earned.

Fromm emphasized that the fear of aloneness is one of the most powerful human drives. Codependency can be a way to avoid this fear: if I merge completely with another, I am never alone. But the price of such fusion is the loss of self.

Codependency can also be passed down through family scripts: if self-sacrifice was the norm in the family of origin, this pattern becomes the default.

How to work with codependency gently

Recovery from codependency is a gradual process of returning to yourself. It is important to do this gently, without self-criticism.

Start noticing your feelings. Ask yourself: "What am I feeling right now? What do I want? What matters to me?" At first, the answers may be unclear — that is normal. Gradually, you will learn to hear yourself.

Learn to set boundaries. Boundaries are not walls; they are more like a door you can open and close by choice. Start small: decline a task that is too much for you, or ask for a pause in a conversation.

Shift focus to yourself. Find an activity that brings you joy and is not connected to other people. This could be creativity, sports, walking — any productive activity where you see the result of your own effort, as Fromm described.

Seek support. If codependency causes significant suffering, working with a psychologist or psychotherapist can provide a reliable foundation. Support groups and books on the topic can also help you feel less alone.

Practice self-compassion. Codependency is not your fault; it is a learned way of surviving in certain conditions. Treat yourself with the same warmth you so generously give to others.

Myths about codependency

Myth: Codependency is a sign of weakness. In reality, codependency is a complex adaptive mechanism. A person learned to survive in an emotionally unstable environment, which required immense sensitivity and endurance.

Myth: Codependency is the same as love. Fromm distinguished between mature love and symbiotic fusion. Love preserves the integrity of each person; codependency dissolves one into the other.

Myth: If I care for loved ones, I am codependent. Care is natural. Codependency begins when care becomes an obsession and your well-being depends entirely on another's state.

Myth: Codependency cannot be changed. It is a persistent but changeable pattern. Awareness is the first and most important step.

The astrology of it

In the astrological tradition described by Vronsky, Neptune and Venus govern the themes of fusion, illusion, and dissolving boundaries. From an astrological perspective, certain aspects in a natal chart or in synastry (compatibility) may indicate a tendency toward codependent patterns — not as a verdict, but as an area for conscious growth.

Venus in aspect to Neptune. Venus rules love and values; Neptune rules the subconscious, illusions, and deep sensitivity. A conjunction or hard aspect between them can create a tendency to idealize a partner, see them as a savior or someone to save. There is a desire to dissolve completely in the other, losing one's own bearings. In synastry, such aspects between partners create a strong but often deceptive attraction.

Venus in the 12th house. The 12th house is associated with the subconscious, secrets, and solitude. Venus here may indicate that a person seeks love as a way to heal deep inner pain but risks entering relationships where their own needs remain invisible.

Neptune in the 7th house. The 7th house is the house of partnership. Neptune here can create unrealistic expectations of marriage or a tendency to choose partners who need "saving." Boundaries in relationships become blurred.

The connection between the 7th and 12th houses. If the ruler of the 7th house is in the 12th, or vice versa, a person may unconsciously attract situations where their role is to sacrifice themselves for a partner. Awareness of these tendencies helps to step out of automatic patterns.

Astrology does not diagnose, but it can illuminate areas where it is wise to pay special attention to your boundaries and needs.